Every day I am confronted with students going through stuff outside of the walls of our classroom that I am hopelessly clueless about. Most every teacher can rattle on about creating a space that they can control for the sake of their students where hopefully, the pain of outside can take a backseat. I’m fortunate to be teaching in a community, that while plagued with drugs and poverty, does not harbor all too much violence*. I get up at 5:30 and get to school by 6:45. I do my little things to prepare for the day and get in the right mental space to help my students however I can in the few hours I will see them. Kids start hanging out in my room around 7:15 and it’s always good to see them. This has become routine, with the same 12 or so folks stopping in to holler even if they don’t have me that day.
Today was different. I got to school a little late, around 7, and after visiting the office, unlocked my classroom around 5 after. Changed the date on the board, pushed the chairs in…all the usual little things. Then i remembered i had a meeting at 7:30 (always fun).
If youre unfamiliar with the education system, Special Ed students have individual education plans (IEPs) developed for them. Every year at least, a meeting must be held to see how these students are doing and to ensure that all of their teachers are making the appropriate modifications. SpEd is a grueling bureaucracy, but that’s not the point of this.
Today we had an IEP meeting for a student named Maximillion (obviously not his real name, dunny), and I had collected some work samples ready to prove to his guardian that I was working with his student in the ways that are essentially federally mandated. Many times, especially with fathers who have gone through custody disputes, they come with some real foul attititudes (hella defensive and then accusatory). Again, today was different.
Anyway, this students’ father (who is actually stepfather) poured out so much emotion that I was too floored to even speak most of the time. There is love, and there is LOVE. I saw LOVE today. He told us everything that he is going through. He is struggling with raising his son, trying to be the best father possible while battling his own demons. (Student has had increased contact with his mother who has no custody due to previous and extremely serious drug problems).
But anyway, this man…I dunno, just…every thing he did and said, every uncomfortable twitch or averted gaze just showed that even with all of his love, he felt like at times he was failing and that he simply isn’t good enough. He feels bad for not being able to help with his son’s homework and is guilty that his depression takes a toll on Max.
The meeting just had me shook all day. Maybe it is because he showed me real appreciation for caring about his son. I have no clue what Max tells his dad about me, but I guess it is positive. Max can be a handful, but this kid has felt so much hurt in his life that I am not surprised. On the other hand, he too has seen such unconditional love that he knows how that is and as a result one of those kids that just latches on to you and needs your support but will repay it in loyalty i have never seen before.
The thing is, working with kids for a lifetime, a lot of folks must see this kind of thing a whole bunch, and today’s events, and my reactions to them, kinda just reminded me how goddamn young I am. How clueless I really is.
I know this is rambling but jesus.
*in the “drive-by” sense. There is, of course, violence, but it is more hidden and unfortunately, accepted.
