LURADIO

To ponder the effects of a switch in size between the ever massive elephant and the diminutive, but still powerfully bothersome mouse is a frightful exercise. Consider the consequences! From a purely numerical and quantitative standpoint, mice far outnumber elephants by what must be at least a factor of at least 10! (One must shudder at the thought that this scenario includes rats!)

Think of the world’s supply of food! Mice, with their ravenous appetites and surprisingly sharp teeth would be nearly unstoppable! How would we be able to protect the food from these new massive beasts? Mice can already eat a huge quantity relative to their size, but imagine if they were 1000% bigger!

Surely, tiny elephants would be an amazing addition to the world, and they would quickly become a favorite pet. Therefore it is not the pachiderm that we should concern ourselves with. I am afeared that any quest for human happiness will fall by the wayside as we fight to maintain even the most miserable of existences.

Thusly, I must continue my ruminations on the most assured destruction of life as we know it, should mice reach a gargantuan size. Pet mice would level the homes they once inhabited. Deserted buildings housing nests of hundreds of rats too would cease to exist. What a dreadful thought: cities overtaken by the stench of garbage can sized mice droppings.

An all out war would need to be declared. Would we stand a chance against an animal, that with a negligible mass already usually gets the best of us? Would these beasts turn their appetites to human flesh once the food runs out? Our cities would be scenes of such death and mayhem that it hurts the soul to even consider it.

Think of our dear friends in the states and countries that produce cheese! They will be the first to go. Such is life. As a lactose intolerant person, I keep cheese far away from my inhabitance. They say everything happens for a reason. Is my inability to digest lactose a sign that I am to be the savior of the human race? Surely it can mean no other thing. Unfortunately for us, however, I am weak of spirit and quickly bow to any threat of injury.

Woe to the world should mice and elephant trade sizes. I have already begun practicing the ritual that we will most assuredly be forced to undertake in worship of our new rodent masters. ALL HAIL THE GIANT RAT!